The Church Question
Katie reminded me this morning that we haven’t been to church in some time. We’re both churchless churchgoers. Katie is a lifelong Episcopalian, and I’m Presbyterian (pcusa). And now that C is born, we need to decide on a church to raise her in.
The problem is me; I own up to that. There is a really good Episcopal church not 15 minutes away by foot. I like the community there, too, as well as the building. The only thing I don’t like is that it’s not Presbyterian. I just can’t get into high church, with the smells and bells. And I don’t feel like taking communion every week or be “that guy who stayed in the pew.” I want to like our neighborhood church, but ultimately I don’t feel a hundred percent comfortable there. It’s hard to build a church home for your family in a church where you don’t really feel comfortable.
My church, on the other hand, isn’t that far away - about fifteen minutes. And I really like it. It’s forward-thinking and comfortable and good. So what keeps me away? That was the church my first wife and I picked right around the time we got married. We showed up there as a couple, visited as a couple, played softball as a couple, and jpoined as a couple. I went back a few times after she decided marriage wasn’t for her, and I felt really uncomfortable, like everyone was wondering where she was. I even took Katie and the kids there once, but it felt kind of weird since it hadn’t been that long since I’d joined the church with someone else.
Despite my pretty open writings here, I’m a pretty private person. Heck, I’m pretty shy in some ways.
So now we’ve got to decide what to do: go to the church she likes but makes me feel uncomfortable, go to the church I love but might still feel uncomfortable in, or try to find another church. It’s time to stop putting this off.
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15 Responses to “The Church Question”
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If your old church really is a good fit, they will welcome you back. You have no reason to be embarassed or ashamed, so just go back and give it a try. If it stays weird, maybe the focus isn’t where it should be there, and you should explore some other churches.
If Katie feels comfortable in “your” church then maybe you should go back there. It’s hard to find a church you feel comfortable in (at least it was for me.) Everyone probably already knows or has an idea why you haven’t been around by now anyway-because people talk. So,don’t worry about it! You weren’t the one that flaked out on the marriage. You have every reason to hold your head up with pride. Remember-the marriage failed- YOU didn’t fail. Besides,who cares what other people think? You are going there to answer to a higher power-not the congregation. If Katie doesn’t have a problem with it , I wouldn’t worry about it.
You might want to talk to the minister about your concerns, too, just to relieve your mind. If you perceive a problem with him/her over your being married before, you will have your answer.
At the last church I attended (United Methodist), my Sunday School teacher was on his third marriage.
I left my Episcopal Church largely due to my ex attending there as well. After a few years, I decided that it was where I wanted to go to church and it didn’t matter if that caused ex or anybody else problems. It hasn’t. A lot of people have told me how glad they are that I’ve come back.
Does this Episcopal church have a “contemporary” service? That should be a bit more low churchy, although you’re not going to get away from weekly communion with any Episcopal service.
I’m an Episcopalian, by the way, so I’m wondering why you don’t want to take communion each Sunday.
I really like the notion of a church being close to home, like both your choices. It’s almost a deal-breaker for me.
The whole ex-at-church thing is hard.
I was a member of a certain Episcopal church in Knoxville for my entire adult life. I attended somewhat regularly and definitely felt like it was my “church home.” It was also the church my ex-husband grew up in and which his parents attended.
When we broke up (terrible, painful split) , my ex, who had never, ever wanted to go to church with me, suddenly decided this was important to him,. He started going pretty regularly. He began taking his now-wife and the kids when they are with him. It became “his” church and I became increasingly uncomfortable there. I eventually quit going altogether, which has led to several years of half-hearted church shopping on my part - mostly not going at all.
Now I am ready to find a place where I really feel comfortable for the children and Jon and me. I think going to church is a very healthy part of family life.
[...] Hickman is processing on which church to take his newborn daughter to. He has several questions on how to go about choosing a place he, [...]
A tough and very important decision to make. I certainly could not offer any answer. Definitely something to pray about though.
It’s always good to hear the experiences of another churchless church-goer. I’m the same way, and sometimes I feel like such a slacker. It’s so hard to walk into a completely new place and try to feel comfortable.
When Mr. Beale and I got married we came from very different faith traditions. Rather than either of us compromise our beliefs, we found a church we liked together. It took a lot of “church-shopping” but after about a year we ended up at a wonderful Presbyterian church that happens to be right in our neighborhood. We walk to church every morning. Funnily enough, the fact that we live so close was the reason we hadn’t visited sooner — we thought, surely our church home can’t be so close to our actual home! But, we’ve been members there for about 7 years now and are active parts of the faith community. We love it.
So, my recommendation to you is to keep looking until you find a church home that works for the whole family.
I’ve been dating a Catholic convert (I was raised Episcopalian) and I attended his church one time. I liked how laid-back it was, but all the pageantry really bothered me and I was uncomfortable (I know, Episcopalians are also into pageantry; that’s why I don’t attend the church I was raised in).
Recently, my boyfriend explained that he liked the pageantry because he thinks God should be revered in a way that’s celebratory and completely different from the rest of the week.
I kinda like thinking about it that way. The music at his church is also excellent (No organ! Their choir is led by the wonderful songstress Nancy B. Strange, leading on acoustic guitar.) All songs are projected via Powerpoint and there’s no kneeling! Maybe I could get used to this….
Best wishes in making this important decision. Also, a pastor’s politics, music, Sunday school programs & community programs are also things to consider. To me, it would also be nice to attend church close to home, but
Don’t Episcopalians seem just a tad medieval? While Presbyterians are struggling with the issue of whether or not to ordain homosexuals, Episcopalians are still debating whether or not they should ordain women!
Well aren’t you wrong, John Calvin.
(See below)
Episcopal News Service] The Episcopal Church, 30 years after it allowed women to become priests and bishops, has elected a woman as its Presiding Bishop.
Katharine Jefferts Schori, 52, bishop of Nevada, was elected from a slate of seven nominees, on the fifth ballot June 18, as the 26th Presiding Bishop. She is the first woman to hold the top post in the church’s nearly 400-year history. Her nine-year term officially begins November 1; she will be invested and seated November 4 during a liturgy at Washington National Cathedral.
Jefferts Schori breaks tradition in other ways. The airplane pilot and former oceanographer addressed deputies and visitors who gathered in the Columbus Convention Center in both Spanish and English. She thanked the other nominees and reassured the church of her passion for mission. She also offered a vision of reconciliation and actualization of the reign of God.
The other nominees were bishops
As a former-Presbyterian-turned-Episcopalian, I must say that you get used to all the pomp. And if you don’t, it’s always fun to sit back and make fun of it. They do have a lot of rules and fancy “dresses” and such…so I just laugh and move on.
And to “John Calvin” - get your facts straight! The Episcopal Church has been ordaining women for 30 years (should have been longer!) and are leading the way in the ordination of gay people issue.
Hey A!
I couldn’t get used to it. It just plain unnerves me to see the priests worshiping the cross and the gold plated bible. And I don’t feel like taking communion (”eucharist”) every sunday or be the one guy still sitting.
Plus, I’m not a sell-out.
Have you visited Powell United Methodist? They have an amazing contemporary service and the music is unbelievable! Your s-kids would love it there.